Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Atria - Atria
Release date: 2006-03-28
Paperback
Author: Alfie Kohn
Child care & upbringing, Family & Relationships, Family / Parenting / Childbirth, Child Care/Parenting, Parenting - General, Family & Relationships / General, Parent and child, Parental acceptance, Parenting
average reviews
0 vote
0 vote
React and review
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Date undefinedI accidently bought the book (by click to buy). It's not interesting or novel. Kohn's original book Punishing by Rewards is worth reading but this one's pointless and the title tells all you need to know, making the book superfluous.
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Date undefinedI like Kohn's challenge to critically examine our parenting practices, keeping in mind our ultimate goals for our children. He makes strong points emphasizing the importance of considering the consequences of our parenting choices, whether they are ostensibly positive, such as praise, or intentionally negative, such as punishment. However, I found myself anxious to get through all the theory to the practical application. My anticipation was never quite quenched by the implementation ideas offered. I found most of them to be lacking in substance and fraught with caveats. I felt that Kohn was often shrugging his shoulders, implying that this is the way things need to be done, even if compliance never happens and the parents' needs are not met. I have taken Kohn's basic premise--that children have a fundamental right to unconditional love--and tried to extend it beyond words to more carefully considered action. I am using more descriptive, rather than evaluative, language when commenting on my three-year-old son's activities, and I have moved away from contingency management discipline, which had lost both its effectiveness and its peacefulness. Still, there are times when compliance is necessary, and I believe that I have rights and needs in the parent-child relationship, too. I frequently find it necessary to impose potential consequences, which Kohn would characterize as threats. When my son resists my requests to stop throwing balls at me while I am working on the computer because it disturbs me, I ultimately resort to saying, "If you want to stay in here with me, you must stop throwing that ball now. Otherwise, you will lose the ball, and you will have to leave the room." I struggle with guilt about saying that after reading Kohn's strong admonitions against threats, consequences and love withdrawal, but the reality is that I am responsible for finding a way to make living with my son tolerable, even enjoyable, for both of us. I am keeping my long-term goals for him in mind, but I am functioning in the present, and I believe that I have a right to live without walking on eggshells to protect my son's fragile psyche at all costs.
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Date undefinedIs this why I have to put up with so many brats when I go out in public? Is this the same clueless fool who said you can't spoil a child? At least he admits one of his goals is to tear down the individualism this country is founded upon by replacing systems of rewards and punishment, and the goal of responsibility with navel gazing anarchy. Newsflash, author, we already have a society based on no parenting parenting, I shudder to envision a world of his making that is even more so.
